“Grief is the response to loss, particularly the loss of someone to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.” – Wikipedia
I haven’t been here before. I’d like to say that all the hurt, failure, loss, and starting-over in my past had somehow prepared me for this moment in my life. But that’s not the case. My heart hurts and I don’t feel strong or liberated or free or hopeful for better. . . sometimes endings release you from unhappiness, abuse, indifference, or pain, and so even in the darkest hours there’s hope for healing and future happiness, and motivation to leave the past in the past; sometimes endings are just a loss.
Everything changed in an instant. I lost the person who gave my wounded heart wings, helped me discover magic in my spirit, and gifted me with friendship, peace, happiness, and adventure in ways I’ve never known. I am a better person because of him. I am forever changed because I was lucky enough to love him. I wanted everything we were and more with faith that we’d stand the test of time, but we weren’t moving in the same direction at the same pace, and now I’m left holding my breaking heart in trembling hands, overwhelmed with sorrow, replaying months of happy memories and grieving the loss of his special presence in my life.
It’s like the lights got shut-off and I can’t turn them back on.
I don’t know how to process this loss except to feel the hurt, and be patient and gentile with my heart. I don’t want to stop caring about him and I don’t want a future without him. There’s a hundred things I want to tell him everyday, I miss our joking and laughter, and I wish he could hold me and make this sadness go away. I don’t feel like myself and it’s difficult to find motivation to do anything right now. I’m not sleeping well and I cry often. My family and friends assure me that someday I wont hurt like this anymore because I’m strong enough to move forward, reminding me that I’ve successfully started-over in the past. But every time I’ve faced loss, change, heartache, and the need to rebuild, it’s come from a place of brokenness, regret, fear, and unhappiness, and I was highly motivated to make my life better. Non of what I’ve previously experienced applies here. I was heart-open, happy and hopeful, with no guard-up to soften the hurt, and no second-guessing my feelings for him to help justify the ending or motivate recovery. He was a dream-come-true after a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships, he was an open door to new hopes and dreams, and someone I feel so blessed to know. Beyond having to live without him, there’s brightness, enthusiasm, passion, joy, and hope that exists in me because of him that suddenly doesn’t have anywhere to go. I’m grieving the loss of a beautiful new version of myself full of vibrancy, life, confidence, and comfort. I’ve been so happy to be his person and really don’t want to let this version of me go. I’m seriously struggling to face my new reality, and my heart just hurts.
