The other day my children were sitting on our back patio while I cut-down what felt like a forest of weeds that had taken over my entire back-yard. This involved using an electric trimmer for the first time, and with admiration my youngest told me I was POWERFUL! I felt like such a badass! I’m proud of myself for being the super-woman of my own life, and for setting a great example for my children. They know what hard work, responsibility, organization, dedication, and positivity through the highs and lows of life looks like, and also that their mom is capable of doing all things. I’ve built a life for myself that I can handle independently, and I’m proud of myself.
Most of the time I feel very strong, light hearted, and at peace. Everything is right where it’s supposed to be. I have a happy and rewarding life that’s centered around my wonderful family, and I live with intention, gratitude, and love. When I sit back and honestly evaluate who I am, where I’m at, and what I have, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. So when my restless spirit and deepest desires surface, I often question my own feelings. . . who am I to want more or feel dissatisfied when I’m already so blessed?
But the truth is that I was created for partnership, companionship, and love. At my core, and likely because of my parent’s example of a happy marriage and the positive family that I was raised in, I want more. While I’m capable of living life independently, and happy in my daily existence, I still hope that my journey will include a wonderful partner.
When I was younger I “needed” a relationship. My identity and worth were contingent on being married. So when marriage disappointed all my hopes and dreams, and eventually failed, I didn’t know how to view myself as anything other than broken, worthless, embarrassed, and lost. Who would want a single mom with three kids? It’s almost funny now to think of those days… and those fears… and the torture I unnecessarily put myself through. The truth is that I’m so thankful for the brokenness and failures because of how much I learned about myself, and because of the person I’ve become in the process of healing. Without the good and bad, I wouldn’t be who I am today, and I like who I am. So I no longer view my past as baggage to regret or be embarrassed about, but my god, getting to a place of acceptance and peace with my disappointments in life is a massive accomplishment!
We’re all a work-in-progress, and while I don’t believe we’re ever “ready” for the biggest or most meaningful experiences in life (like having children or falling in love), I’m living in a wonderful, peaceful, and rewarding place with myself (and children) right now. I have faith that when it’s time to open my heart to love again, being self-aware and self-loving will allow me to experience companionship with equality instead of insecurity, and that’s exciting to envision and anticipate. With or without a relationship, I am capable, worthy, and enough.